Things that would be different if Microsoft built cars:
- A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would just die for no reason and you would have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
- Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to stop and fail to restart, and you would have to restart it. For some strange reason you'd just accept this too.
But that wouldn't work, so you'd have to take the engine out, do nothing to it, then put it back in again.
- You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy extra seats.
- Sun Motor Systems would make a car powered by the sun, twice as reliable and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5% of the roads.
- The oil, petrol, brakes and battery warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning lamp.
- People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
- We would all have to switch to Microsoft petrol.
- The government would be getting subsidies from car manufacturers instead of giving them.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size backside.
- Before going off, the air bag system would say "Are you sure?"
- The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you would need to memorise the keyboard shortcut for "Brake".
- For some reason the engine controller would need a 1 Gbyte hard disc and would take about 5 minutes to boot up.
- They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with the engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Ford Anglia parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
- Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry,Fail?"
- You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.
- The speedometer would read 70 even though you were only doing 50.
- They would make a flashy, convertable model - where, if you raised the top, the engine would overheat.
- Every time you carried a new passenger you would have to alter the car's configuration settings.
- When the passenger alights, these configurations would remain in place.
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...
- Patron: Waiter!
- Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
- Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
- Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
- Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
- Patron: No, it's still there.
- Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
- Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
- Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
- Patron: A SOUP bowl!
- Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
- Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
- Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
- Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
- Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
- Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
- Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
- Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
- Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
- Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
- Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
- Patron: This is potato soup.
- Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
- Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
- Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
- The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
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