"Me cousin" Humour

(I've modified the following jokes (to be about me cousin), so as to not offend anyone.
Since I don't have any cousins who fit these jokes, I'm sure ya'll see the humour.)

  • 1. Me cousin calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
    The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
    "Thank you," me cousin says, and hangs up.

  • 2. Why did me cousin's helicopter crash?
     The ceiling fan was messing up her hair so she turned it off.

  • 3. Why does me cousin have square breasts?
     When stuffing her bra, she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

  • 4. Why was me cousin frustrated every time she asked for the time?
     She kept getting a different answer.

  • 5. What's me cousin's idea of safe sex?
     Locking the car doors.

  • 6. How did me cousin die while drinking milk?
     The cow fell on her.

  • 7. What do you call me cousin with half a brain?
     Gifted.

  • 8. How do you make me cousin's eyes light up?
     Shine a flashlight in her ear.

  • 9. What does me cousin and a beer bottle have in common?
     They're both empty from the neck up.

  • 10. Why was me cousin so upset when her mother died?
     Cause her sister's mom died too.

  • 11. If me dumb cousin, me smart cousin, and Santa Clause jumped off of a bridge, who would make the biggest splash?
     me dumb cousin, cause the other two don't exist.

  • 12. What's the difference between Elvis and me smart cousin?
     Elvis has been sighted.

  • 13. Why did the Me Cousin nurse bring a red marker to work?
     In case she had to draw blood!

  • 14. Why should Me Cousin not be given coffee breaks?
     It takes too long to retrain him.

  • 15. Me Cousin died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
    "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
    "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
    Me Cousin thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
    "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
    Then Me Cousin started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

  • 15. What did Me Cousin say when she gave birth?
    Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

  • 17. What happened to Me Cousin, that was tap dancing?
     She fell in the sink.

  • 18. Why did the Me Cousin scale the glass wall?
     To see what was on the other side.

  • 19. What do you get when you offer Me Cousin a penny for her thoughts?
     Change.

  • 20. Why does Me Cousin only change her baby's diapers every month?
     Because it says right on the package "good for up to 20 pounds."

  • 21. Why did Me Cousin get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
     Because on the box it said from 2-4 years.

  • 22. What do you call a fly buzzing inside Me Cousin's head?
     A Space Invader.

  • 23. Why can't Me Cousins put in light bulbs?
     They keep breaking them with the hammer.

  • 24. A policeman pulled Me Cousin over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
    Cop: Do you know where you were going?
    Me Cousin: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.

  • 25. What about Me Cousin whose wife gave birth to twins?
     He wanted to know who the other father was...

  • 26. Why do Me Cousins work seven days a week?
     So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

  • 27. Why do Me Cousins like lightning?
     They think someone is taking their picture.

  • 28. What did the Me Cousin do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
     She moved.
  • 29. Did you hear about Me Cousin who tried to blow up her husband's car?
     She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

  • 30. Me Cousin gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
    Me Cousin rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
    Me Cousin slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
    "You rotten woman," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"

  • 31, Me blind cousin enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody want to hear a blond joke?"
    The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of Me Cousin says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that
    1. The bartender is a blond woman.
    2. The bouncer is a blond woman.
    3. The woman on your left is blond and a professional wrestler.
    4. I'm a six foot tall blond woman with a black belt in karate.
    5. The woman next to me is blond and a professional weight lifter.
    Do you still want to tell that joke?"
    "Nah," says Me Cousin. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times."

  • 32. As Me Cousin was getting off work one day in the middle of winter, it was snowing heavily. Visibility was near zero. Me Cousin finally found her car, but wondered how she was ever going to get home. She started the car to warm it up and tried to think of what to do. Then she remembered her husband advice. He had told her that if she were ever caught in a snow storm, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she'd never get stuck in a snow drift.
    So she waited and sure enough, a little while later a snow plow went by. Smiling, she began to follow it. Feeling a little smug, she couldn't wait to tell her husband how she had followed his advice and got home without getting stuck.
    After following the snow plow for quite a while, the plow stopped and the driver got out. He walked back to Me Cousin’s car and asked if she was all right? He was concerned because she had been following him for a long time.
    "Sure," said Me Cousin and she explained how her husband had told her that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should follow a snow plow.
    A little confused, the driver said, "OK you can follow me if you want to. But I'm finished with the Kmart parking lot and I'm headed for Wall-Mart next."

  • 33. On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, Me Cousin was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. Me Cousin replied, "I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."
    After several attempts to explain to Me Cousin why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilot said, "Let me try." He went up to Me Cousin and politely tried to explain to her why she needed to return to her seat in economy class.
    But Me Cousin only replied, "I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." Frustrated, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit. He suggested that perhaps they should have the airline call the police and have her arrested when they land.
    "Wait a minute," said the pilot. "I can handle this." So he went up to Me Cousin sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear.
    "I'm sorry," said Me Cousin, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class. "What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot.
    To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago."

  • 34. Me Cousin was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian."
    Me Cousin goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?"

  • 35. Me Cousin went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked Me Cousin if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
    "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

  • 36. In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.
    Me Cousin in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?"

  • 37. Two of Me Cousins decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.
    They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one of Me Cousin says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"

  • 38. Two of Me Cousins went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and Me Cousin said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"
    This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, Me Cousin said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."
    The next day Me Cousin comes running up to the other cousin when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."
    "OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the Me Cousin. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.
    Again, the next day, Me Cousin comes running up to the other cousin as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing."
    "There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the Me Cousin.
    After several more hours of concentration, Me Cousin finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

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