All Occasion Humour

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said," You are under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll shoot you." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. The Ranger asked a local to translated his message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger anxiously. The local answered, He say, "He no afraid to die!"

A man was walking along a California beach deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here St. Peter. Was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions.
Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.
Forrest says, "Well, the first one-how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but ...you do have a point, though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too."
Let's go on with the next and final question Can you tell me God's first name"?
Forrest replied, "Andy."
"OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song ... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN...."
So St. Peter opens the gate and says: "RUN, FORREST, RUN!!"

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